[poem]Want

It’s nothing new

Just me and you

Practically strangers before

And now it’s like a nuclear family of four

A brother, sister, mother, dad,

And yet I want what I never had

I read too much into the signs

Nonexistent, but thrown my way

In the middle of all that’s down the line

I wonder if you’re willing to sway?

Sway with me, have a way with me,

For some reason, it’s so easy

This doesn’t feel like falling

But I’m on the ground so suddenly

And you keep me here

Gravity,

Can’t break the law

So naturally

I sink while trying to swim,

And I try floating to the brim

On the brink of infatuation

Representation of my heart’s final destination

Love, passion, what’s the use?

I rhyme as if I’ve had a few screws loose

Look at me while I talk

Can you read my secret code?

I know now it’s time to walk

But I wonder, where to go…

[Poem]Process

Life like a movie

Star

I’ve only come so

Far

I wake in dreams

Sleep in scenes

Insomniatic ’til I take a

Role

A prisoner of

War

Post-traumatic

Still fanatic

Won’t stop

Until I make it

Raw

Rough-hewn

Vague and distant

Parts

Of ‘verses, planets,

Mars

Red fire, iron

Bars

I’m ready

Drive this

Car

And take me far

Along

This road of dreams and takers

Like a contract

It’ll make or break ya…

[Story]Code

She likes to look at things mathematically.

He has 167 friends on facebook, 90 of which are mutual friends, 82 of those are mutual friends from school. Assuming that approximately half of those friends are female, the chances that his cryptic response to a Social Interview question about confessing to a girl he likes at school is about her is about one in 41. Still decent, in her opinion.

Then she begins to take into account the significant physical and mental advantages the other females have and considers weighted averages when she compared herself to the 40 others of the “flower-like” sex that came into contact with him 5 days out of 7 for 3/4ths of the calendar year. She decides that her chances are more than halved to about one in 100 and she gets discouraged again.

She flips aimlessly through her calculus book, solving problems at random for review, using hearts instead of u for u-substitution. She thinks if only real hearts were this easy to solve.

She solves more problems in a language only mathematicians like herself would understand, pages upon pages filled with symbols and letters, her own little code.

Derivatives and L’Hôpital Indeterminates dissolve into words she would never dare speak aloud in infinitely many possibilities of combinations. She starts to fill lines just to fill space and soon she has an entire account of her heart in Lamen’s terms spanning over seven pages.

In her eyes, it’s all so simple.

[Story]Kiss-A Prediction in Story Form

Naturally, the next morning, of course he doesn’t remember

I call him sometime around noon, as usual, with a soft voice to remind him the tea bags are on the top shelf and the soup on the stove only needs to be microwaved about a minute and that there’s bread in the pantry and that, by the way, he’s getting a bit low.

He answers in the same sleep-and-alcohol rusted voice, whining when he can’t find the bread, then parts with a joke about how he would have drunk himself into a coma if I never came to get him.

I hang up with a snort of laughter and no other words than, “Yeah, yeah.”

No change in the routine that’s been going on since last year.

My roommate stares at me as I flip closed my cell phone. I stare back, slightly uncomfortable by the roundness of her eyes.

“What?”

She stares.

“…What?” I ask again, hoping to bring her back from her stupor.

She continues staring.

I repeat again, an edge to my voice. “No, seriously. Why are you staring?”

“You love him,” she stage-whispers, eyes bulging further.

I exhale sharply in annoyance, getting up to leave.

“I’m going to the library.”

This time, she doesn’t stop me.

I claim my spot with the window, the autumn leaves as bright as they had been my first year. I pull out Calculus homework, losing myself in limits and integrals, infinitely many possibilities.

My phone screen lights up with a dancing, winged envelope. Aiden’s name flashes underneath it.

aiden-the-great
Is the calc hw due 2moro?

I text back.

riverrunsthroughit
No, it’s due later today.

A response within seconds.

aiden-the-great
alkdfjao – I’m screwed

I leave it alone, smirking silently as I work through the aforementioned homework.

My phone lights up again.

aiden-the-great
I cant concentr8 : (

riverrunsthroughit
Not my problem

aiden-the-great
: (  : (  : ( u r so cold : (  : (  : (

I sigh. So many sad faces, I can imagine the large pout on his face.

riverrunsthroughit
Anything on your mind? I’m here to listen.

I send it along, adding immediately after -

riverrunsthroughit
And by listening, I don’t mean doing your hw.

And soon -

aiden-the-great
I wasn’t going 2 ask : (
But I do have something on my mind.

I sigh and put my pencil down.

riverrunsthroughit
Yes?

aiden-the-great
Last night, I mightve kissed sum1 I shouldnt have…
I dunno I got 2 drunk.

I sigh, my heart contracting beyond my exhale.

riverrunsthroughit
Well, when I picked you up, you were all up on some sorority girl.

I sent the text with an invisible, “And when we were in your parking lot, you kissed me too.”

aiden-the-great
Was that it? Good thing you stopped me then.

riverrunsthroughit
Yeah, good thing I arrived then. Anytime soon after I would have had to pry you off her.

aiden-the-great
Ew. My memory may be alcohol-fogged, but I remember she was pretty ugly.

I don’t respond, instead getting back to the calculus. Infinitely many possibilities.

When I leave a few hours later, a bespectacled Aiden is there to greet me. He says hello with a smile, eyes still sleepy as he passes me to get into the library.

A hand suddenly grabs my elbow, swiveling me around to face him.

His eyes are focused, entire attention honed in on me.

“Seriously,” he says, as if we were continuing our text conversation. “Thank you.”

I stare, bewildered at his intensity. “Y-you’re welcome.”

An infinite amount of possibilities run through his eyes. Unreadable emotions, but each one distinct and fleeting in the seconds our gazes lock.

The rush of a kiss without the touch of the lips.

I break from his hold on me, nodding and turning away. I release a, “See you later,” over my shoulder, drawing my jacket tighter around me. I hear his shoes walk across the concrete entrance, into the library.

Moments later, another text.

aiden-the-great
No seriously, thanks. *bises*

I smile at his French. I start to put my phone away, locking the message with his thanks and his kisses when another text lights up my screen.

aiden-the-great
You liar! Today’s Sunday!

[Poem]Dance

Smooth liquid velvet

A forbidden garden stare

Silken movement and I’m melting

As you touch my soul there

Barely there, ghosting flight

Captivate me with a look

Flick of the wrist, my heart twists

Wishing it was me you took

And I’m reminded it’s a dance

Just a show for a stage

But your passion had me fooled

And you put me in a rage

All the rage, fit for magazines

Body movements make the scene

Take this how you want but now

You can have all of me

Let’s dance, just dance

The steps come like second nature

I may not have a chance

But I won’t stop until I make sure

Stop this fire, quench this thirst

Let you know, you’ll be the first

To stop this train it its tracks

With no looking back

Got this music and that’s all I need

Capture you to stay with me

Make up songs on the fly

Moving in perfect harmony

Tell me why is it you

That makes me wanna get down

Got me spinning like a fool

Dancing with no one else around

But I wouldn’t change it for the world

This effect that you have on me

Because no one else in the world

Can quite dance like you and me

[Lyrics]The Final Lesson

Sex sells, yeah, but what’s the price?

That prize in my eyes

Not worth the sacrifice

Sell your body, mind, spirit,

It’s a fact of life

Come up short? Well baby break the bank

Or settle for, “nice”

Nice girls, nice guys finish last

Crashed in the fast lane

Burning up like propane

Extinguished like a past flame

Like them glory days

Playa status changed to “played”

Shameless hanging heads in shame

Fads fading, fade away…

–

[Chorus]

I’m a villain

I’m a crook

I’m every nightmare

And antagonist from a children’s picture book

I’m unshaken

But I shook

Down the innocent on the road

But no one took a second look

What’s wrong with this picture?

A landscape of the coldest winter

When I paint the world’s soul

Gee, what do you think, mister?

Time for change?

Time to blame

Time to realize that no matter what

Things have stayed the same

Time to learn?

Time to burn

Bars and bridges, fill the ditches

Now it’s your turn, yeah, what you say?

–

And I hide

Behind

A beautiful disguise

Never seem to know the truth

Because I live inside a lie

Always see this crazy world

But I never wonder why

Never knew I left the ground

Because my head is in the sky

And I see this lack of love

Brings down tears from up above

But I just can’t seem to stop to think

Of what I’m dreaming of

A little physics and a flame

Is enough to kill the love

But I seem to only think

Of where my dinner’s coming from

I see you cryin’

Dyin’

And I would be lyin’

If I said

I didn’t care

About you over-tryin’

I’m in

The same spot as you

But before we battle head-to-head

I gotta tell you…

–

[Chorus]

I’m a villain

I’m a crook

I’m every nightmare

And antagonist from a children’s picture book

I’m not taken

But I took

What is mine

Is that I crime?

Time to take a second look

What’s wrong with this picture?

Seems to be “national” without the “inter”

When I talk about the world

Gee, what do you think, mister?

Time for love?

Time to shove

Away delusions of perfection

And realize we live in a state of dejection

Time for reason?

Time for treason

Time to find excuses for behavior

Now it’s your turn, yeah, what you say?

–

Gotta be slick

Learn quick

Flow like life

So sick

Final lesson

Learn this

And you’re ready

Now listen

–

[Chorus]

I’m a villain

I’m a crook

Look in the mirror

And I’m every cliche in the entire book

I’m not myself

But not you

I transform myself through wide-shut eyes

Every time it falls through

What’s wrong with this picture?

A landscape of the coldest winter

When I paint the world’s soul

Gee, what do you think, mister?

Time for change?

Time to blame

Time to realize that no matter what

Things have stayed the same

Time to reason?

Time for treason

Time to find excuses for behavior

Now it’s your turn, yeah, what you say?

[Story]Kiss – A Prediction in Story Form

Kiss – A Prediction in Story Form

Part Two~Friends Only Beyond This Point

I felt my face pull into an expression of disgust as the smell of alcohol and the bass of some underground techno song grew stronger with every step.

Stupid Aiden.

I swung the door to the frat house open, the force of the noise and chaos nearly knocking me down as I fought my way in. It must have been some sort of a fire hazard; there was hardly a square foot of floor space that wasn’t occupied by an inebriated college student.

I scoured the crowd for Aiden, looking for his untidy dark hair and infectious laughter. I ignored the offers for drinks, grimacing whenever someone got too close with beer breath.

“River! What brings you here?”

I spun around at the hearty voice calling out over the blaring music. (It was a miracle I was able to hear him – even more of a miracle that he was able to shout a coherent sentence.)

“Henry, hey, I was just looking for Aiden…”

The normally shy boy slung an easy arm around my shoulders, pointing the neck of the beer in his hand in the vague direction of the second floor. “Saw him go up with some broad. You better go get your man, girl!” he said, adopting his best worst impression of my roommate.

“He’s not my man,” I stated before I shrugged his arm off and stalked off to get my ridiculously wasted friend.

Stupid Aiden.

I darted through a maze of college students, opening every door to reveal various pairings of people in varying states of undress (and varying levels of drunkenness so some were absolutely scandalized while others were completely oblivious). I eventually opened the correct door, seeing a cheaply-dressed underclassman draped over Aiden’s open-shirted chest.

I strode into the room soundlessly, grabbing a giggling Aiden by the wrist while the girl on top flopped uselessly to the floor, passed out before she hit with a thump. Aiden opened his mouth to say something, paused, then laughed his full belly laugh.

Finding my way out of the house was easier than getting in as the party was now at the point where everyone was either passing out or puking into the nearest wastebin. Aiden was shouting strands of gibberish into my ear, punctuated by deep chuckles.

I ignored the way his laugh made my hair stand on end, instead attributing my goosebumps to the rank stench of beer on his tongue.

As I dumped him unceremoniously into the passenger seat of my car, he grabbed my wrist suddenly and looked at me with an eerily straight face. I looked at him warily.

“Aiden?”

He continued to stare at me, as if he were seeing me for the first time.

He sighed and let my wrist go, a dopey smile set on his face as he collapsed into the seat.

I drove with half my mind on the road, the other half locked in Aiden’s inexplicably intense gaze. We rode in silence until Aiden murmured sleepily,

“River, why do you do the things you do?”

I didn’t respond, instead just pulled to a smooth stop at a red light at an empty intersection.

Aiden sighed. “You’ve been coming to get me ever since I was legal to drink and the only repayment I’ve ever given you is the occasional trash bag of vomit.”

I laught at that. “You repay me with your drunken tirades for my amusement. Like this one.”

Aiden huffed indignantly and pouted. “No! I need to repay you properly!”

I laughed more as I pulled away at the green light. “Shut up and start sleeping off your Coronas, Aiden.”

We continued the ride, him being silent for the most part, occasionally humming tunelessly. I kept my eyes on the road.

I pulled into the parking lot of our apartment complex, shutting off the engine and looking at my companion. I was met with shining eyes and an excited expression.

“I know how I can repay you!”

Before I could answer, the taste of alcohol, peppermint, and female lip gloss was at the tip of my tongue.

The kiss lasted all of five seconds. Closed-lipped and chaste as it was, I felt my body hum with electricity, like a dam was broken and a flood of hormones all invaded all at once.

And all at once, the touch of his lips was gone.

I stared blankly at him for a few moments.

Soon, I carried up a passed-out Aiden to his apartment.

Stupid Aiden.

[Poem]Right Now

It’s been a long time since I’ve written about the light,

It’s been a long time since I’ve started writing about the night,

It’s been a long time since I’ve acknowledged that I was wrong,

It’s been a long time coming, but I know the end is in sight.

I’ve been lost in a dream, in a dream, in a nightmare,

I’ve been too afraid to wake up and find that fear is there.

I’ve been hoping, wishing, praying for a miracle long due,

I’ve been waiting for sudden stirrings to bring me around to care.

Been there done that, life’s experiences overflow.

Been doing my thing, watching this life inside me grow.

Been down and out, unsure if I’ll be able to stand.

Been flying high, not once looking down below.

Content that the currents are finally in my favor,

Content that life is bringing me moments to savor,

Content with being just that little bit unsure,

Content to be relaxing and just soaking up the flavor.

It may not last, but right now is enough.

It may not be perfect, but it’s a diamond in the rough.

It may not be destiny, fate, fortune, or luck,

It may not be good for me, but I know that I am tough.

[Poem]A Thought Process at 1 AM

I’m not trying to pretend

Stick it through

See the end

Of this line, finish out this life

Kill the struggles and the strife

Messages of eternal life

Stray from that hate of mine

Threatening to enclose my heart

Keep those apart

Know where to end and where to start

I don’t flaunt a crazy style I don’t have

Don’t talk in rhymes, faking attitude – “I’m so bad”

I can only be myself

Be influenced but not helped

Along this path of discovery

Recovery, In front of me

I see a journey to a destination

of answers and revelations

obtained only through dedication, education

I know where I am, know where I stand

And sense enough to know to change

But strong enough to stay my hand

[Poem]What?

I have no idea what I am about to write

Is this a story or a poem?

Or is this the story of a poem?

I could write about an emotion

Rant and rave until I’m blue in the face

Experiences and memories and philosophies

But what point am I trying to get across in the end?

In one moment I am completely content

And in the back of my mind I feel that sense of unease

The natural ebbs and flows of life

I feel the ebb is coming

The most I can do is live

Breathe in and out

Oxygen to Carbon dioxide and out

Feel my own brain deteriorate naturally

Feel myself grasping at straws as I race the clock

Yet where is the race?

The clock moves methodically

Equal increments of time between each little line

It wins and it loses

So where is the race?

And one day the gears will stop

And I feel myself getting inspiration

I think I’ll go start another story now.